FFS for everyone

I pack up my toiletries using a giant Ziplock – I used the last trickle of my checking account to donate to this girl’s FFS GoFundMe. I have a crush on her even though she’s a lesbian. I mean…. who doesn’t have a crush on all of the trans femme lesbians? You know?

Anyway, because of that (my chronic GoFundMe FFS generosity) I can’t afford to buy a toiletries case – so, ziplock it is. Luckily, being butch means I can get away with the “utility” of this choice.

I go upstairs to make granola, and by that I mean put granola in a bowl. Look at me, the modern chef. Somebody give me a Michelin star ASAP. Verify me on Twitter, hand me a Grammy, tell me I have similar bone structure to Shane from the L word, etc etc.

I pop a berry in my mouth before I put it atop the granola masterpiece. SHIT. TOO TART. AH. Still put it in. Winter berries – like fucking a straight man. A tart berry is better than no berry. Mediocre sex is better than no one touching me. I’m a romantic!

And let’s talk about romance, while I stuff these berries into the glory hole of my face: being a bisexual trans man is a blessing and a curse. You have a charcuterie platter of options of people to date but not everybody wants the artisan salami that you possess. People think that trans men have so many options for people to fuck, but I’ll give you the list of who wants to fuck trans men in Seattle:

• Cis women who have not unpacked their transphobia
• They/thems who want us to be their free transition coach, while telling us they hate men
• 3 cis fags who actually enjoy fucking us
• Chasers
• 4 non-problematic cis women (who are all already my friends, hi friends!)
• And, the trans girlies (my favorite, I love you, keep going keep going keep going I want you, please stay next to me please don’t abandon us I know we’re so annoying, I know we smell bad and have wild dicks but I love you, okay? I know you have it bad but I just want you to stay here and yes I know that there are a million eggs wanting your attention but there you are god I love you okay I love you take my money take my savings)

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The glory hole

the glory hole is our church

we ritualize our attendance

every Sunday morning at the altar of the dive bar

we come to our knees in worship

of the semen that comes from men and women as we open our sweet sweaty holes

mouths and hungry honey eyes agape

for something closer to god than god himself

gay sex